I have questions. I have so many questions. We all do. We don’t like to ask questions unless we know the answer. It leaves a bad taste.. an unfamiliar, lurking eerie feeling if we are not sure of the answer. It may make others uncomfortable or even worse. ourselves. Be it in work life, home life, relationship life.. spiritual..
But I can no longer deny these large questions and so I banter in my mind and finally after much struggle they surface.
What the heck are we doing here? I admire those on a mission. I was once one of those people. My agenda was large and full of “very important” things. I knew what I was doing and nothing was stopping me. I applaud you who feel pulled in a direction- be it your daily agenda of doings or finalizing a defensive strategy. I like to think that 10 years ago when I had an agenda and felt like I knew what I was doing.. I was naive. But this may or may not be true. It could be that I really am more lost.. The question of what the heck are we doing here remains unanswered. Some days the question is answered with helping this planet out… giving Mother Earth a hand in defending her aliveness. But somedays that doesn’t feel right either. Then what do the errands mean? A way to keep going? Does movement (even if not with purpose) provide us stability that makes us feel more sane? To me, I question it. I question our purpose of living here and wonder when people are planning on coming together with a cohesive understanding.
What is being “in love”? I am an observer and a modeler. I look and see.. and have the ability to synthesize a model into my own life. My sister once asked me if I could name a relationship that I know personally that would be “model” material for loving. We both found it very difficult, as we sifted through names of mutual acquaintences and came up with one or two but still, they too, we questioned. Part of being in love is being in tune with yourself first. We so quickly partner and create ties that are bound to suffer because you are asking this person to fulfill you instead of you fulfilling yourself. So is being in love actually more like loving yourself whole-heartedly? Is being in love seeing your shadows and doubt as fulfilling aspects and places to foster more love? Is being in love finding a person who understands and if not understand at least comprehend your pattern of self-love or self-doubt?
When/if ever do you really accept yourself? There are good days. Don’t get me wrong. Those days you could put anything on in the wardrobe and feel amazingly sexy and awesome. Those days you wish you could capture and hold onto for the days when you have trouble keeping your eyes upon yourself in the mirror. This very subtle and yet constant aggression to be something we haven’t quite yet reached. We hold ourselves to a place that feels unattainable and upon reaching, the bar moves forward a nudge. Accepting yourself is a lifetime. Not just your body aggravations but your mind, your soul. Accepting this self without judgement.. with love. Knowing the very minute difference between pushing and growing, and understanding.. the art of balance. And if, my friends, this is a lifetime adventure.. then when do you fall in love?
Please forgive me if I bring about questions that also make you uncomfortable, unsure.. but this my friends, is reality for me. These big questions await my willingness to dive in and try to wrap my mind around it. They show up at times that are unfitting.. and require me to stay in a moment that feels so incredibly difficult. They are not intended to bash anyone or make people’s lives more difficult or less satisfactory..
And with this I appreciate Nick and his acceptance of my questions. He does foster the love that I hold in myself and also the doubt that surfaces in myself as I explore big thoughts that are unanswerable. So thank you.