I had a rough week. The pressures of life came collapsing on my brain and mind, leaving me swimming to find balance and surface.
Holidays bring a sense of old for me. There is tradition: old faces, a sit down dinner, and family. Aspects of my past come around and ask me to reconsider my own journey. I don’t mean to dismiss my past as nothing, my past leads me to now; However, I will say that revisiting a dead part of yourself can bring grief, guilt, and discomfort. Like a visitor that overstays a welcome.
So over the week I tried to compartmentalize, I tried to avoid, I tried to smile, I tried to act.. and it led me to an avalanche of feelings on a Friday night. My sister’s felt bad leaving my side, my friends were hoping to teleport to help, and my lover wanted to know if there was anything he could do.. but the only person who had the ability to digest the wave over my head was me. I dreampt last night about swimming back to the surface. I was with a friend and we both saw the wave coming. We ducked under, eventually swimming our way back up and ended the dream with a sip of tea in a cottage. And waking this morning I knew the fight was over. The feelings of past had left me… let me be. I faced the feelings with tears and confusion, and they allowed me to let go.
And now? I feel ready to move forward again. My wheels are in progression. My destiny lies ahead without certainty but ahead it is. And here I am, still a beating heart.
And so I leave all of us, myself included, with a message of perseverance. Life gets awfully confusing. We try our best to listen, to react, to find ourselves. And we get lost. We will get lost over and over again. We will forget what we are doing, and what we stand for. We may find life worthless for a night or a week, or a while. And we will have big questions. I encourage you to ask those questions. Get lost. Forget. Because life will come back to remind you of your purpose; to stand for love. To spread love and to continue on.
I want to thank my system. I am blessed to have people in my life that may not always understand my antic moments (or perhaps days.. okay weeks) but they will continue to remind me of my purpose: to be love.