Monthly Archives: November 2012

Confusion

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I had a rough week. The pressures of life came collapsing on my brain and mind, leaving me swimming to find balance and surface.

Holidays bring a sense of old for me. There is tradition: old faces, a  sit down dinner, and family. Aspects of my past come around and ask me to reconsider my own journey. I don’t mean to dismiss my past as nothing, my past leads me to now; However, I will say that revisiting a dead part of yourself can bring grief, guilt, and discomfort. Like a visitor that overstays a welcome.

So over the week I tried to compartmentalize, I tried to avoid, I tried to smile, I tried to act.. and it led me to an avalanche of feelings on a Friday night. My sister’s felt bad leaving my side, my friends were hoping to teleport to help, and my lover wanted to know if there was anything he could do.. but the only person who had the ability to digest the wave over my head was me. I dreampt last night about swimming back to the surface. I was with a friend and we both saw the wave coming. We ducked under, eventually swimming our way back up and ended the dream with a sip of tea in a cottage.  And waking this morning I knew the fight was over. The feelings of past had left me… let me be.  I faced the feelings with tears and confusion, and they allowed me to let go.

And now? I feel ready to move forward again. My wheels are in progression. My destiny lies ahead without certainty but ahead it is. And here I am, still a beating heart.

And so I leave all of us, myself included, with a message of perseverance. Life gets awfully confusing. We try our best to listen, to react, to find ourselves. And we get lost. We will get lost over and over again. We will forget what we are doing, and what we stand for. We may find life worthless for a night or a week, or a while. And we will have big questions. I encourage you to ask those questions. Get lost. Forget. Because life will come back to remind you of your purpose; to stand for love. To spread love and to continue on.

I want to thank my system. I am blessed to have people in my life that may not always understand my antic moments (or perhaps days.. okay weeks) but they will continue to remind me of my purpose: to be love.

Namaste.

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Pass love on

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The holiday season we are reminded of the gift of giving. Many will volunteer time to help with those who are less fortunate, be it serving a meal or delivering goods. And when the experience is completed we will say, gosh I would like to do that more often because it feels so good but sadly many of us will remind ourselves a year later when we do our annual giving once again.

Giving doesn’t have to be so big. Giving can be simple. And I encourage all to give not just over the next few weeks, but throughout the year.

Look around. Everyone is desperately seeking love. Love can be a smile. It can be a wink or a hello. It can be a paid check or a note.. Remind each other that there is love to spread.

I can promise you that it is contagious. Giving love means more love for all. It begins so simply and then it multiplies… Like a growing epidemic of love. Doesn’t it sound amazing?

As you travel for your holidays, keep your eyes open for places and people who really need love. And send it their way. They feel it; they appreciate it, and they will pass it forward.

Happy day of thanks and giving.

Nothingness

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We will return to nothingness.

I am not a science brained person. Scientific theories, elements, equations, and any numerical code intimidate my creative, philosophical mind. But lately things have been striking me.. Things that didn’t always before.. And the common theme I return to is nothingness.

Exploded tire pieces along the side of the road, dead animals, ourselves. We are composed of many elements and the amount, the combination.. in essence, creates whatever is to be created.

But as things perish.. They return to an original state of elements.. Not cohesive with others.

Nick and I were talking and he brought about this really abstract thought for me. At the end of your life… The thought of, “So this is it..” runs through the mind.. And not in a dark, gloomy way, but a recognition.. A realization that all of the fuss, the goals, the finishes, the moments appear miniscule. Obsolete. Life collects these many moments and in them we are caught like spiders.. We orchestrate a web that is our life and it feels important, and it is. But when it is over and our run comes to a stop, there must be a moment when the web really fades to nonexistence. The things we wished for really aren’t taking up too much room, the pondering questions are okay unanswered. There must be a breath that doesn’t feel weighty, your mind doesn’t run, instead it stays present because that is all there is left. Our scientific makeup will soon break down and the elements put together to create life will let go of one another. We will return to an original place.

What does the moment feel like? Wouldn’t it be nice for the recognition or our reality to come sooner? We were loved, at times angry, productive.. Sometimes in struggle.. But that the web would eventually not be

Th feeling can come sooner. We can be the determiner of our emphasis in life. Is your emphasis of life in the right place? Do you really give the time a blessing in your day? Give the heart that beats inside you the focus for a moment. Stop your web building. See life as more than your daily ways, conversations, movement… Life will fade and you will go. Your web will dissipate and this,now, moment by moment of being present,this is the real beauty of life; that is what makes the adventure worthwhile.

Many fear death and the end of life sounds daunting, haunting, frightening. It doesn’t need to be dear friend. Soak up your present moments, don’t plan too far ahead, step back from your busy web -building now and again, make it a practice to really show up in the morning. Show up for yourself and be a constant observer in your own life. And when your beautiful moment presents itself, you can say ” I knew what it was about all along.”

big questions

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I have questions. I have so many questions. We all do. We don’t like to ask questions unless we know the answer. It leaves a bad taste.. an unfamiliar, lurking eerie feeling if we are not sure of the answer. It may make others uncomfortable or even worse. ourselves. Be it in work life, home life, relationship life.. spiritual..

But I can no longer deny these large questions and so I banter in my mind and finally after much struggle they surface.

What the heck are we doing here? I admire those on a mission. I was once one of those people. My agenda was large and full of “very important” things. I knew what I was doing and nothing was stopping me. I applaud you who feel pulled in a direction- be it your daily agenda of doings or finalizing a defensive strategy. I like to think that 10 years ago when I had an agenda and felt like I knew what I was doing.. I was naive. But this may or may  not be true. It could be that I really am more lost.. The question of what the heck are we doing here remains unanswered. Some days the question is answered with helping this planet out… giving Mother Earth a hand in defending her aliveness. But somedays that doesn’t feel right either.  Then what do the errands mean? A way to keep going? Does movement (even if not with purpose) provide us stability that makes us feel more sane? To me, I question it.  I question our purpose of living here and wonder when people are planning on coming together with a cohesive understanding.

What  is being “in love”? I am an observer and a modeler. I look and see.. and have the ability to synthesize a model into my own life. My sister once asked me if I could name a relationship that I know personally that would be “model” material for loving. We both found it very difficult, as we sifted through names of mutual acquaintences and came up with one or two but still, they too, we questioned. Part of being in love is being in tune with yourself first. We so quickly partner and create ties that are bound to suffer because you are asking this person to fulfill you instead of you fulfilling yourself.  So is being in love actually more like loving yourself whole-heartedly? Is being in love seeing your shadows and doubt as fulfilling aspects and places to foster more love? Is being in love finding a person who understands and if not understand at least comprehend your pattern of self-love or self-doubt?

When/if ever do you really accept yourself? There are good days. Don’t get me wrong. Those days you could put anything on in the wardrobe and feel amazingly sexy and awesome. Those days you wish you could capture and hold onto for the days when you have trouble keeping your eyes upon yourself in the mirror. This very subtle and yet constant aggression to be something we haven’t quite yet reached. We hold ourselves to a place that feels unattainable and upon reaching, the bar moves forward a nudge. Accepting yourself is a lifetime. Not just your body aggravations but your mind, your soul. Accepting this self without judgement.. with love. Knowing the very minute difference between pushing and growing, and understanding.. the art of balance.  And if, my friends, this is a lifetime adventure.. then when do you fall in love?

Please forgive me if I bring about questions that also make you uncomfortable, unsure.. but this my friends, is reality for me. These big questions await my willingness to dive in and try to wrap my mind around it. They show up at times that are unfitting.. and require me to stay in a moment that feels so incredibly difficult. They are not intended to bash anyone or make people’s lives more difficult or less satisfactory..

And with this I appreciate Nick and his acceptance of my questions. He does foster the love that I hold in myself and also the doubt that surfaces in myself as I explore big thoughts that are unanswerable. So thank you.

 

Uncertainty

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Imagine being on the swings at the carnival. This is fun for you. The central trunk raises up the bucket seats and you begin rotating. Slowly at first, but the swings gain speed and quickly you are feeling the rush of air between every part of your body. Your fingers feel the pressure of the air’s force and straighten slightly. And without a warning, your seat lets go of the ropes. You are soaring in the air, seeing the ground and all of its order. There is an eerie feeling but also one of freedom as you soar through the air with an uncertainty.

In our days, we want to find the ground, order means comfort, habit.. Something that ensures us of our roots. But let’s also see the liberation from letting go of being sure.

As we grip tightly to our lives orderly ways and habits, remind yourself it’s okay to let go. You may be uncertain, and your destination is unknown but isn’t that the real beauty of life?

I am you

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The last few days for anyone on the East Coast has been in the least, unpredictable. Gusts of wind, heavy rain for days, and damage that will take quite some time to reconstruct. Being a Clevelander (OH) we lost power, Lake Erie had raging waves and the wind/rain combination felt purposefully powerful.

While meandering about with two days off work, the couple of places I went had conversation of “Can’t believe my power is out,” and “major flooded basements,” and while I was fortunate enough to only lose power for 12 hours, I started to think about the real devastation in other parts of the states.

People stranded in Hoboken with no food, no light, and no way of getting out or getting anything in. New York City’s grocery stores vacant, and empty.. People wandering the streets without homes, without stuff, without purpose. And the grief felt heavy. Can I even imagine? Can I even relate on a smaller scale? Losing power for the night when I rest my eyes in dark anyhow? The compassion is in my heart and my soul hurts for the society of human beings that don’t have a thing to go home to…

I was driving home this afternoon post thought and in front of me was the license plate, “I am you.” And that’s the message we must send. We may not be in Hoboken stranded in the Senior Assisted Living space, and we might not be walking the streets of empty New York with the question of, “What the hell am I even doing?” but that doesn’t mean we can’t send them light and compassion. Our energy, if we come together, is immense. Love is felt through our willingness to bear understanding and feel grief for those who hurt more than us. We are every person in the city, and every animal struggling to find refuge. We are the Governor trying to make the best decision possible, and every city worker trying to restore anything, everything while worrying about loved ones too.

To those who are still mourning the loss of a loved one, a lost animal, a lost home, belongings, identity, understanding of life.. we send you our love. We are you. We can remind you that you are going to be okay, you are love, and you are me.

We will get through this together. Miles apart but with the intensity of a greater storm.. and that storm is the perseverance of love.