Forgiveness

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I have to admit to you.. I have been lacking the desire to write. You know how it is, going and  traveling.. having this amazing transformational life adventure.. And I learned and explored and I came home eager to transfer all of my wisdom to everyone in my life that I loved. We’ve all been there.. like picture day in grade school, You’ve been waiting all season to yank out that one time outfit to hit the cameras with and show 5th grade how awesome you are… I felt like that but I’m 26..

And so I came home with high hopes of bringing all this knowledge and energy to maintain what I had in California at home! I could do it, I believed in myself! But I learned with time being home that some of what I learned doesn’t really feel like it fits into elements of my life. Square peg, round hole…

And so instead of surrendering (which is what I should’ve done) I kept forcing the issue, feeling like  “I strongly believe in this, and.. YOU should too!” But as time continues to pass, I realize there are people in my life who don’t feel the same. Co-workers.. family members.. friends.. they may have appreciated my positive outlook but.. well.. their life wasn’t there.. and it was mildly annoying that I was walking about with “positive vibes”.. and “the energy was beautiful” mentality.

So it continued.. I tried and I still try to force a part of my life that might not fit into every scenario..  Maybe over time I’ll feel it more suitable to filter these aspects of my life into them with ease.. but forcing anything brings spit up.. And the truth is that all is unraveling in life without force.. In fact the force creates an opposite effect.. time is the only available tool for us.

And here I am now, even struggling still with the concept of letting go .. and allowing people to not want to hear my side.. I get angry when people think it’s odd.. I want to fight back.. Looking for guidance I decided to consult my mother’s bag of runes. They are precious healing stones that deliver a message..

I picked the rune of forgiveness. Isn’t that perfect?

I need to forgive myself. I set these expectations that didn’t even need to come to surface. I want to send forgiveness to those that I tried so desperately to make fit into my new and exciting mold… It wasn’t to be controlling.. it was because I had excitement and eagerness. I want others to forgive too. Forgive yourself for the thing that you’re feeling guilty about.. We need to learn that life is all about trying and failing.. trying again and maybe not getting it quite right.. trying again.. I tell my students life is a practice. If you got everything right the first time.. what would the exciting part be? But practice your best. And that includes practicing forgiveness. We allow others to be forgiven.. people screw up, right? But not us.. we wouldn’t.. we couldn’t.. well the  message here is that we do. And that you’re still beautiful.

Time is movement… and life is movement.. when it feels right.. head in that direction. And when it starts to feel not so right.. try something new. But forgive yourself.. And in between the right direction and the one that doesn’t feel so right.. accept the awkward.. forgive yourself for it.. and maybe even find the beauty in being right there.

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